Anatomy of Desire by Dr. Emily Jamea

Author:Dr. Emily Jamea
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Flatiron Books

Adaptability is arguably the most important skill in helping you cultivate a sexual experience that stands the test of time. The sex you have during the honeymoon phase of the relationship versus twenty years in—the love you make while trying to conceive versus while you or your partner are pregnant and in the postpartum period, the quickie you sneak with young kids in the house or with teenagers up late at night—is all going to be different. The sex you have when you’re empty nesters, while on vacation, when you’re energized, sleep-deprived, particularly stressed, or physically or emotionally injured, it will all be different. The key to keeping it hot during all these phases of life and circumstances is to be flexible about the kind of sex you’re having.

If you pick a sexual script, which can be thought of as your sexual recipe, and stick with it for your whole partnership, you’re going to feel disappointed. To maintain eroticism in long-term relationships, it is essential to be open and nonjudgmental to whatever happens during a sexual encounter. Things happen during sex that we don’t expect. Like Shane, your body may not function the way you’re accustomed to it functioning. Your partner may spring a new position or technique on you that momentarily takes you off guard. You may make an unintended sound. It is vital that we don’t let things like this derail an otherwise great sexual encounter. We need to know how to deal with the unplanned if we are to continue to enjoy our sexual experiences for the long haul.

There is an animated video by sex educator Karen B. K. Chan titled Sex as a Jam Session.13 A musical jam session happens when a group of musicians comes together to play music that isn’t planned. Some of the most incredible instrumentals happen when musicians throw their music books out the window and instead flow with whatever happens as they jam out. Chan encourages couples to approach sex the same way. This is something Nolan and Grace, a couple who participated in my research study, relayed to me during one of our sessions. “We view our sex as very fluid, and I think that’s one of the things that makes it so great. Our sex doesn’t have a beginning, middle, and end. It’s an energy that’s always there between us. What happens with our bodies just depends on where we jump in. Getting handsy in the middle of the night might lead to early-morning sex, which makes us feel connected. But we don’t make out during morning sex because of, well, morning breath, so then we usually spend more time kissing before falling asleep later that night. We are both open-minded, which makes it easy to stay on the same page. We are aligned. Some things we talk about doing, and other things happen organically, in the moment.”

It is more difficult to adapt to the unexpected if the sex you’re having follows the same choreography each time. Besides, sex that follows the same script eventually gets boring.

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